I was a Junior in college the first time I was ever exposed to spoken word poetry. My roommate at the time knew I loved poetry and came home insisting I watch Buddy Wakefield and Anis Mojgani videos. Sarah, I am forever indebted to that night (and all those other times I made you sit in the living room, eyes closed, while I recited my own poetry for you). These two poets have had a tremendous influence on my poetry. (Haven’t heard of them before? Click here for my favorite Anis poem, and here for my favorite Buddy Wakefield poem.) These two poems were the first exposure I had to spoken word, and from there an incredible journey began.

The poem for this post, titled You Vs. Him, is probably my most favorite and will always have special place in my heart. It was the first I wrote after exposure to spoken word and the first I ever performed in front of an audience. It was birthed not only from this space inside of me crying to shake free words and rhythm, but also from the healing of counseling after years of never sharing about my abuse.

This is my testimony, my story. It is a letter to my abuser and those that tried to manipulate me.

In the midst of sexual abuse I found Christ. I knew my life couldn’t go on without Him. I knew (at a very young age) that if I didn’t have Him my life would be a story defined by that darkness. I knew He was with me in the midst of the pain, confusion, and fear. I also knew He wasn’t the source of this sin, but the healing path of recovery.

Courtney Hard was the first person I had a Spirit (ruah)-lead conversation about my abuse, and through her the Lord in His goodness lead me to an amazing counselor that set my feet on the path of healing. (Courtney– you were a catalyst in my life, an ebenezer moment I will never forget. I remember the roots and dirt we sat on while looking out over beautiful tumbling Tennessee waterfalls. You were and are light in darkness, thank you for listening.)

“God is light”

1 John 1:5 says, “This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth.” I knew the people hurting me were not walking in the light of truth and therefore Christ was not in the sin, but in my healing.

Christ is light and life, healing and identity, purpose and love. He is the source of strength, He is the reason we can all stand healed today and live a life of joy despite pain, loss, heartache, and abuse. He tells us this himself in John 8:12, “Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

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You vs. Him

There’s a beating in my chest.
I imagine if there were a bird-
One big enough to carry continents on its back,
Oceans in its beak,
And sun rises in its talons,
Its beating wings could not match the beating in my chest.
Did you know there are billions of suns in our galaxy?
I heard someone say that one time,
He had a mouth like mine so I believed him.
Stars are big
Like the sky on flat ground,
Like a building with too many floors,
Like my grandmother’s hair,
Like my professor’s words,
Like an oak tree,
And like how you like to feel.
So you shove blisters down my throat
Until I puke up the words you want to hear.
You scratch my skin
Until I wear the clothes you’d like to see me in
And race circles around my thoughts…
But I’ll never think like you. 
Because believe it or not,
Outside your kingdom,
Outside your castle,
Decorated with your lying lilies
And vicious vines,
Beyond the gate only you’re allowed in
Is something bigger than your ego.
He ties butterflies to my fingers 
And keeps the hair out of my eyes.
He sends the breeze when I can’t breath,
And it’s scented.
The sting of yesterday that is my past
Makes my chest roar with aching confusion and disappointment.
But He takes confusion for a walk off of a cliff,
Disappointment for a fall with no parachute
Just so I can sit back and think about how big the stars are
While He takes the paper-cuts, 
The stabs,
The abuse,
Spit,
Humiliation,
Fire,
Sting,
Breaking,
Piercing,
Roaring,
Suffocating BITE
That is my shame,
MY shame.
And yet, He ties butterflies to my fingers
And walks at my pace.
Why are His feet always so dirty?
He told me it’s a beautiful view from where He’s from
The day I forgave you.
Words like that send my mind wondering,
Stitching thoughts between the curls of my hair
While He remains stitched between my cells.